Celebrity Cook Off: MAKE IT STOP

• We open with a montage of the last show which eliminated my Johnny.  The pain returns anew.  WHY WHY WHY

• JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHNNY!!!! 

• Mr. Tori is contemplative (or what passes for ‘thinking’anyway).because he is the only one left on his team.  I am pretty pretty sure the others on his team ‘cooked’ badly on purpose to get away from incessant talk about being the Culinary Dad. 

• Food trucks!  I am hoping there are lots of mobile port-o-sans for the poor b*stards who will have to taste this food. 
• The front of the trucks say “R&G” Retch & Groan?  Obviously.
• Guy FIERRRRRRI!! has neon yellow sunglasses with magenta reflective lenses.  Even aliens from Mercury are going “too bright, dude!”
• So the challenge is announced with the predictable gnashing moaning and ENDLESS whining by Carny (Carnie?  Carny?  I forget.  I would now like to thank my brain for not remembering something so stupid.  High five, brain!)  Dear God, make her stop.
• Two people are going home today.  I am VERY happy since this means one less episode of this crap.
• Mr Tori says when you ‘mess up’ Asian food it is ‘bad’.  CULINARY EXPERTISE!!!
• LDP! LDP! LDPPPPPPPPP!  LDP is on the show because he is holding the golden ticket.  I have no idea what this means.  Even if it was adequately explained it would still somehow be meaningless. 
• Carnie whines.  Again.  She is going to make meatballs, mashed potatos and gravy.  For a food truck dish.  Think about that for a while.
• Mr Tori is making a taco with pork, chorizo and assorted crap. Blech.
• They show a clip of Tori sending a message of love and encouragement to her husband.  So it appears she has finally learned to act!
• Seriously, people I ad to fast forward to some of the food preparation montage because what they are making looks so colossally disgusting…..
• Carnie says she has to convince the people that her food tastes good.  Normally you would think that delicious food would take care of this but since her food looks like crap, she will need to to a LOT of talking (which, judging from this show, is apparently not an issue for her) to convince people this food is good.
• LDP shows up!!!!!  He has a golden ticket which counts for 5 votes.  WOW! I thought it meant a magical tour of his hairdresser’s salon but I guess not.
• Kathy gave her mac and cheese middle eastern ‘flair ‘ by adding parsley (??) and…olives.  GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACKHHHCCHHK!
• One of the patrons said a hotdog should have ‘snap’ when you bite into it.  That usually happens because you have bitten into a piece of a hoof.

So the two going to the final are Mr Tori and Carnie.  Let the whining begin.

Celebrity Cook-Off: My spirit animal is gone

OK so I have been bracing myself because this is the one where SPOILER ALERT FOR SADNESS my glittery spirit animal Johnny gets eliminated.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
A.

This recap is therefore written under protest with extreme anger.
Within 30 seconds Mr. Tori Spelling rants about his Gourmet Dad website (wait, excuse me for a second. HAHAHAHAHA) OK, back.  Johnny, with the most angelic of eyes, looks upon Mr. TS with great sympathy.  He is the Dear Abby for us all, my friends. 

We then see the scene of blue and pink tents with balloons, a bouncy house and toys.  Johnny, because he is the SMARTEST PERSON EVER deduces it is a kid’s challenge.  He is worried because kids don’t like him.  They like you my feathery angel.  Their brains are just too small to yet comprehend your magic.  Mr. Tori Spelling rants again about he is the Gourmet Dad.  DEAR GOD MAKE HIM STOP.

One team cooks for the boys, another for the girls.  *sigh*  Let the stereotyping begin!  Hines is sad because his team chose the girls and he would rather cook for boys.  *again, sigh*  Johnny says “kids are horrible to deal with in artistic formats”.  I don’t know what this means but I am assuming it means something fabulous and involving dancing and sequins? He asks a boy if he likes salty snacks.  The kid makes a face.  Die, kid.  

Hines wants to do quesadillas.  Racheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel says it is a good idea.  Um, no it is not.  She then says these are “California kids” so they might like ‘guac’.  Fuac you, Raececehhhhhal.

I am distracted by Johnny’s many bracelets.  I covet them.  One of them has a Chanel charm on it.  WANT. So while the teams spend more time ranting about the ridiculously easy food they will try to make and fuac up, I devote the majority of my brain to thinking about Johnny’s bracelets.  Mr. Tori Spelling says he will make some food thingy with liquid nitrogen which will be “dragon’s breath”.  Is it wrong I want the Daenerys’s dragons  from Game of Thrones to kill him now? No. 

Guy FIERIEEEI tells Johnny he can talk to kids by saying “What’s up my man”.  Johnny laughs at him along with the three viewers who are actually watching this show. 

Mr. TS mentions he is the Gourmet dad AGAIN and we are only 10 minutes in, people.  If you are playing a drinking game every time he says this, please don’t.  You will die. 

Next we have an extended sequence where they all try to cook.  People, how can you possibly screw up making rice krispie treats?  These people can.  Then all the kids show up and the “celebrities” try to amuse them by playing games.  The kids scream, I am assuming, with fear.  As any normal person would.  Hines says he will charm the ladies.  I feel oooky.  If I were those girls, I would ask to try on his massive diamond earrings, because that is what is important amirite? 

There is a special guest!  Is it the president of TUMs?  No it is Rico, the kid who plays Manny on Modern Family.  Run Manny RUN AWAY!  Manny says he likes the food.  Now THAT is good acting! Johnny is wearing two pointy birthday hats which perfectly coordinate with his tank top.  Of course they do. 

So the winning team is …a tie!  Which makes Racheeeeeeeelllllllllllll laugh and say “Shut the front door”.  Which is what you always say when you are surprised…by NOTHING.  The two worse dishes were by Carnie and my Johnny.  They have to face off and make a hot dog.  Johnny takes a sausage out of the casing (make your own joke here) and thus does not cook any hot dog.  Nooooooooooo!!  If you had covered it with glitter it would have been OK, but he did not.  Carnie wins which means another episode of her constant whining.  My sweet Johnny is cut.  Johnny leaves presumably by walking away but I saw him float away on a carpet of fluffy kittens being pulled by a unicorn with a braided mane decorated with sparkles. 

Celebrity Cook Off S.2, Ep2: "Bleah" seems like such an insufficient word

 

We start with scenery of a field full of plants which was carefully tended to yield delicious vegetables that will never be used by the people on THIS show.

Carnie says Hines’ skills are not there yet.  Let’s see her go out on the football field. 

Mr. Tori Spelling thinks ‘we will definitely be picking stuff”.  Note he did not use the term ‘food’.   I would like to pick…up and leave now.  The socialite chick whose name I will never remember (is this my brain’s way of protecting me??  Thanks brain!!!) says she likes dirt and to “be in the garden with no shoes”.  Johnny Weir looks horrified.  Not as horrified as I look when I see that Guy Fieri has on neon yellow sunglasses with red lenses.  MY EYES!!!!  My eyes are the ones that need protection from this show, not his from the sun.  He then laughs at Chili because she cannot walk through the field as fast as the others.  I wish, more than anything else, for Hines to tackle Guy and knock at least part of the stuffing out of him.  Violence is Fun!

Johnny has VERY high hair.  No other comment needed here other than his hair is awesome.  I love my spindly skating sprite.  He is also wearing, no lie, Daisy Duke cutoff denim shorts.  Pure happiness.  Never change, my enchanted unicorn.

They have to pick food (I am guessing after someone explains to them what actual food is) and then barbecue something.  Random?  Um, yeah.  People, if you try to think about logic on this show you are going to HURT YOURSELF.   Carnie is horrified because she does not barbecue.  We all know that barbecuing is just as hard as sustaining a musical career, so she apparently cannot do either. 

The theme of the show is about ‘respecting your ingredients”. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA.  Hooooo, this show is hiii-larious.

The teams decide what they will “cook” on the grill.  They pretend to have actual thoughts.   This whole sequence makes me laugh so hard I wake up one of my cats sleeping next to me.  Sorry, cat.

You guys, Hines has ENORMOUS diamond earrings.  Am jealous. 

Then they go into the field to pick vegetables.  They panic because the fields are big.  Clearly they are really panicking because none of them can actually identify a fresh vegetable.

Kathy Najimiy is making eggplant farm-esan (no not a typo, she called it that).  She says she must cut the eggplant and let it weep.  Eggplants?  It’s the viewers who will weep!  *rim shot*

Johnny is worried he will not have enough time to get his salad ‘rebeautified’.  Oh Johnny, you and your salad will always be beautiful and magic.

Chili says you must be careful using salmon because it is “very fishy”.  Other obvious thing in life: CO “very painful to watch”. Chili burns her salmon.  Really, actual flames are coming out of the salmon pieces.  Creatures who live in the water obviously are highly flammable.

We are then entertained to what feels like about 7 hours of these people whining because grilling IS HARD!  Mr. Tori Spelling yells they must start thinking about their plates.  I start thinking about Maalox.

They are serving their ‘food’ to employees of the farm they picked the vegetables from.  I think the employees are actually actors because real employees would have quit when they found out they had to taste this stuff.  So I guess a bunch of actors got some work in this episode.  Good for the economy?  Maybe not after the gastrointestinal health care dollars that these people will incur soon….

One of the employee-actors has a German accent and insults the potato salad.  SCHUUUULTZ!!!!  Another says she is not a big fan of watermelon.  What??? Well I am not a fan of your local playhouse adaptation of “You’re a Good Man Charlie Brown” where you assayed the part of Sally.  Your choice to play her as a vampire was ill advised.  So there.

Kathy Najimy says she is nervous and her stomach is in her feet.  My stomach grew its own feet and is running down the street in terror.  It is yelling AIIIIIIIIEEEE!!!  and trailing bits of fundus all over the neighborhood.   Anatomy humor!

I think Johnny’s hair is getting bigger as the episode progresses.  Use as much product as you want to my angel.

So the winning team is Racheaaaunghl’s.   The two bottom people are the Socialite Chick and Mr. Tori Spelling.  They will have a battle of corn.  Not a bunion battle, but a…what’s that…..oh, the vegetable.  Really, would it make any difference in the taste of their food?

Mr. Tori Spelling yammers several times he is playing for a ‘culinary career’ ….which would be the first career he would have.  Bada bing!  *rim shot*  People I am on a ROLL here!!!

The socialite chick loses which is good because I would never be able to remember her name.  Mr. Tori Spelling won because he made a corn omelet.  No, I did not make that up.  I WISH I DID.   I have to go and throw out all the corn in my house now I am so grossed out. 

Celebrity Cook Off Season TWO! Episode 1, People 0

Editor’s note:  Today’s recap is provided by our guest commentator, Jane Austen.

I greet you all, fair friends, with pleasure and send compliment to your families.  My fair cousin, the Marchioness is indisposed and alas, unable to converse.  It would seem that the dastardly congregation of the Duchy of Foxborough and Gillette Park have been most unseemly and foul of character that my cousin has retired to her bedchamber.  I shall send the chirurgeon and hopefully poultices and a new pair of shoes will provide solace.  

So anon, she has requested that I send you the news of Celebrity Cook Off, Season 2.  Two leaders of society have commenced an agreeable parlor game of cookery.  One leader is the Duchess of LOUD.  Her family is not well connected yet her pronouncements about olive oil have endeared her to many folk.  The second leader is not fair of countenance.  He is a rotund ill-mannered man who has failed to discern that his spectacles should reside on the front of his head, and not the back.  I shall describe him further as Mr. Doughy. 

We first meet the participants of this jolly cookery game.  A young woman by the name of Chili professes her love of victuals, yet I am disturbed by her inappropriate apparel that looked en dishabille.  Perhaps she is just in a traveling costume and will change into something more seemly and maiden-like for tea, then supper, then conversation and games, and then for traveling.  Next is a jester who goes by Gilbert and is of a voice so ill and demonic that he provokes melancholy.  Our next participant is introduced and is Lord Tori Spelling.  He professes to be a ‘culinary genius’ and is shown in the kitchen with his progeny.  I presume his family has no footing in society and cannot afford cook to prepare the meals.  I thus feel encouragement and kindness towards him.  Arriving next to the party is Miss Carny Wilson.  She is a performer who has been in many pantomimes and thus all have seen her in everything and have professed fatigue for her theatrics.  A man named Hines Ward is next to our lively group.  I find him quite comely and would sample his viands at any venue.  The Lady Cornelia Guest enters and proclaims herself a socialite.  Yet I have not taken note of her when promenading around the drawing room of any notable house.  Perhaps she is from the Continent.  The Lady Kathy Najimy is next to bring us salutations.  She confesses her daughter is a ’vegan’.  I own that I do not know this word’s meaning.  Perchance she is also from the Continent and thus the word is naturally a mystery to me.  Neither she nor the Lady Cornelia will cook with meat.  I confess a good leg of mutton stirs the blood and feel sorrow they will not know its’ pleasures.  Just when the parlor was bursting with vigorous new acquaintances, another enters!  Oh, friends, I am vexed that I am unable to provide language effusive enough to describe our new companion.  He is Lord Johnny Weir and is wearing a frock of such wonder and sparkle that I am transported to the Xanadu of Mr. Coleridge’s description.  Lord Weir also wears slippers of sparkle and shine and I covet them in a manner that would make our parson blush. 

Much palaver ensues when the Duchess of LOUD and Mr. Doughy appear.  As when playing Whist or Commerce, the participants form teams, each being captained by the aforementioned Duchess of LOUD and Mr. Doughy.   They are informed that each team will provide sustenance at a dinner theatre.  I am perplexed.  Two salons?  Why, even Pemberley would not be of sufficient size to hold such merriment!  The meals are prepared yet so many of our companions profess to be losing their faculties that I fear the proper number of courses will not be ready for supper and our industrious friends will suffer shame and gossip.   Somehow meals are completed and the butlers and footmen deliver them to the guests.  I will be candid and say I puzzled over this sustenance and did not see any jellies, biscuits, soup or trotters among the fare.  Not even a fine claret or cordial was given to the guests.  Instead dishes by the name of “tumbleweed meatballs” and “S’mores” were served.  Prior to each course the teams did a pantomime that was so vexing I immediately took to the divan to ease my distemper.   It was not at all a respectable pleasure. 

Anon the cookery game comes to a conclusion.  The team that emerged victorious was that of Mr. Doughy.  The group confesses no astonishment to learn the participant who must leave the estate is the tiresome Gilbert personage.  His cookery was of an inferior rank and he is banished.  And so my friends the ball reaches its conclusion and the guests retire.  I presume the proper speeches and compliments to respective families were given before leaving in their barouches.  Myself, I shall partake in a stroll home followed by consumption of Pepto Bismol.  Thus, good friends I respectfully take your leave. 

Jane

Report on Hurricane Sandy....

….from a large tabby.

Cheddar the cat here.  So there was a big storm here over the past few days.  There is a lot of news coverage about the disaster but none of it focusing on cats!  Why is that????  I will now remedy that by describing the storm as experienced by me, CHED, Ace Reporter. 

On Sunday I am in the process of getting my solid 20 hours of daily sleep in, next to my Grampy and my brother.  But hark!  I hear noises of wind outside and my human running around inside going “Batteries!  Water!  Spaghettios! Ack!”  She is weird as I am assuming all human are.   They crack me up.

Oh man those winds are LOUD!  And stuff is hitting the house.  I hope the Petco and other cat food stores are OK. 

I distract myself from being scared by watching bird videos on YouTube…..

….playing with my brother……

…and strongly hinting, with my bro's help, to my human to give me even more food.  She is apparently too busy watching some sort of odd canoe show on TV.  Maybe a little less couch time, and more feeding the cats time!

  This hurricane never seems to end. Pffft.

At last the storm is over here.  Time to nap as I am exhausted and only got 19 hours of sleep yesterday.  My house is OK but I am very sad about all the damage everywhere in the Northeast and hope everyone and their pets are OK. 

CHED

Super Shark: I lose the will to live

It has been a glorious Summer at SyFy, and for us, humanity, since there have been many new and repeat shark movies on the network.  I recently noticed an odd smell coming from my DVR and deduced it was because Super Shark was on there...So instead of claiming the odor was because I had just cooked up a medley of brussels sprouts and broccoli, I decided to end a craptacular week with viewing this craptacular movie. 

Normally I would record each nuance, each meaningful moment, but this one sort of sucked the life out of me, sort of like the salt monster in Star Trek but without the cupping marks on my face afterwards.
So here it is:
1. The theme is sort of like from a 1970s  action movie only with the lyrics Super Shark!  Super Shark!  Super Shark! 
2. Did you know sharks can move around on land by doing The Worm?  Truth.
3. So the plot is basically this: crap happens, bikini clad babes get chomped and an actor from a long ago cancelled series tries to 'act".  In this case, John Schneider.
4. You guys, John Schneider has GREAT hair.  I am jealous since my hair is thinning.  DAMN YOU ESTROGEN!  Come back to me!
5. At the end of the movie Bo Duke is interviewed by reporter played by some chick who is so botoxed that it is leeching out of her and paralyzing everything within a five mile radius. He played some sort of oil company owner and she asks him what he will do next.  The last line of the movie is him looking at the camera and saying "Drill, baby, drill".  I guess it is supposed to be chilling but it is so hilarious that I did a spit take with my Diet Peach Snapple.  Then I was sad since Diet Peach Snapple is awesome and to lose any of it in such a tragic manner is UNACCEPTABLE. 
6. I love you, IMDB because upon looking up Bo Duke's 'movies' there is THIS coming from SYFY:

Return of the Killer Shrews

"The '59 film, The Killer Shrews, found a group of folks on an island with the ravenous beasts. This time James Best's ship captain is hired by a reality crew to return to the island and...you guessed it, the shrews attack again."

Life now has meaning. 

Pirahnaconda. I knew Sharktopus and you sir are no Sharktopus.

• The theme tries to rip off the Sharktopus theme.  It is sort of a beachy retro tune with the following lyrics: look out, look out, look out Pirahnacondaaaaaah.

•  Michael Madsen ‘plays’ a ‘scientist’.  Really, he only has a few lines in the whole movie and says them with the verve of a man who just took 900 quaaludes. We first see him with his team, looking for animal eggs, as a scientist always does.  The woman helping him inexplicably has a long hair black wig on – sort of a Natasha look without the gravitas of a Bullwinkle episode.

•  P-conda makes an appearance almost right away.  He eats all of Dr. Madsen’s team, plus a helicopter.  Fun!  Helicopters provide the valuable minerals every P-conda needs in his diet.
•   So the plot (ish) is around a horror movie being filmed in Hawaii.  Let’s break this down. 

o      Hawaii?  Before you can say, “Hey, even Dr. Madsen would know anacondas are not native to Hawaii”.  It is explained that it is a creature out of Polynesian legend.  Well that takes care of that particular logic flaw.

o       The stuntman of the movie is our lead hero in P-Conda.  He is played by a square jawed guy (I was going to say “actor’ but that would be inaccurate) Brick Blockstone.  He talks without actually moving his face and is sooooo bad, that my cat George would say (or, meow) the lines with more credibility.

• There is an odd subplot in the first part of the movie with a geeky tourist guy and his blond leathery girlfriend.  OK, the girlfriend is not leather tan..she has gone beyond that and looks like she has the skin of a velociraptor.  Geeky guy is pale and with a blond busty leather woman!  Haw!!  For some reason they hang around for ‘comic relief' for a good half hour before P-conda eats them.  Nerdy guy gets it first and leather woman gets eaten later.  Thanks P-conda, could you maybe get off your skinny butt and eat annoying actors sooner please?  Maybe P was saving the woman for later as a snack sort of like kids snacking on fruit leather?

• Dr. Madsen wears glasses because he is an intellectual!

• Um, there are some bad guys inhabiting an old factory and they kidnap Dr. Madsen (who has the same expression – slack jawed and logy – throughout the entire movie).  Rachel Hunter is one of the bad guys.  She manages to pull off the unthinkable – she is a worse actor than Michael Madsen. 

o       Interlude: Oh, Michael Madsen!  What HAPPENED to your career??????

• A bunch of people get chomped with much animated cartoon blood.  Yawn.  But wait, one bikini clad babe gets nommed by TWO P-condas!!!!  They both try to eat the woman at the same time and growl/argue with each other.  It’s like Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf, only with animated P-condas – the way it was always intended to be by Edward Albee.  I shall name the two P-condas George and Martha.

•  This movie is actually making less sense as it goes on.  I am exhausted.

• The bad guys kidnap some chick a starlet and a producer guy from the fictional movie being filmed. The stunt guy Brick Squarewrench gets away.  I hope as he runs through the jungle, he will get eaten. He does not.  P-conda FAIL.  I HATE you, P-conda! 

• P-conda eats a bunch of other people.  Did you know when people get eaten they vanish in a red vapor?  Well, that is true.

• Dr. Madsen says P-conda hibernates and then comes out “once in a while” which is a scientific term for “once in a while”.  Excellent quantitative skills Dr M!

• Brick Lunkmeat rescues Dr. M and some chick (but Rachel Hunter gets eaten by P-conda..I think, because I really was not paying much attention) and drives away but is chased by P-conda!  If you are car shopping and want a vehicle that can outrun a giant animated snake with teeth, then do not buy an SUV.  You’re welcome.

• I am losing my will to live but then we see a scene of George and Martha fighting!  When snakes fight they growl like tigers!  Scientific fact!

• The bad guys (we know they are bad because they are wearing black t-shirts) find Brick Slabhunk and shoot at him.  They shoot his shoulder and he reacts by showing no emotion.  Stoic or bad acting?  You be the judge.   So P-conda attacks everyone and chomps them, eats part of the SUV and generally has fun.  Unlike the viewer who is not having fun. 

• Brick Hazmat then rides off on an ATV to lure P-conda away from the others.  Wait where did that ATV come from?  Oh, never mind.  I give up.  Defeat overwhelms me like a delicious chocolate syrup over ice cream.  Great now I am depressed AND hungry.

• Dr. M gets eaten by P-conda!  I could explain how but really, it would make no sense, so why bother.  

• Brick Concretedoily and the chick kill P-conda.  I am sad.  Then at the end we see the other P-conda with DRAMATIC MUSIC to fill us with dread because there is still a P-conda out there!  I am filled with dread because I realize they might make a sequel now. 

Yikes.