I tried to put it off, but needed to clear off my DVR to tape episodes of Match Game 77. So here it is, the next to last episode of CCO.
We open on a tender scene with LDP telling Taylor about his fond memories…he spoke lovingly about how his Mom… MLDP?...cooked meals for the family his whole life. Note the basic logic flaw. If MLDP is gone, then she has not done this unless there is some sort of zombie cookery going on. If MLDP is still with us then OMG cook for YOURSELF, LDP!!!! Then LDP talks about he used to be a prep cook and once made an omelet for…Willie Nelson. I had to rewind the DVR to make sure I heard that correctly. Yep, he actually said that. Not sure if that is good or bad…perhaps not being able to hear parts of this program would be for the best. Anyway, please insert your own Nelson-omelet-smoking’ joke here. Here is mine: Willie likes his eggs over-doobie!! HAHAHAA!
Taylor talks about ‘taking it to the next level’ with her ‘creative instincts’. I have no idea what the h*ll she is talking about. But her plastic surgery makes her face look really disturbing. I question my decision to DVR this show in HD.
Taylor and LDP hug. Taylor says she got palpitations and LDP says he has that effect on women. Here are the other effects he has:
1. Jealousy over his perpetually feathered hair. Really, much better than Keith Partridge’s, but LDP does not have the pooka shell necklace, so points off for that.
2. Rampaging nausea over the ‘food’ he has ‘cooked’
3. Musings over how much of a nosedive his career must have taken to be on this show Next stop, probably a SyFy movie…maybe one about an ancient wooden spoon that grows to 80 feet and kills people by dumping large spoonfuls of boiling potato soup on them. Or maybe one about how a crocodile is exposed to radiation while running through a kitchen, morphs with a pot, grows 80 feet tall and turns into a murderous Croc Pot. I would like to see that.
Joey talks about his Fatone Family Foundation (not kidding). I will not make fun of it because it is run by my sweet Joey. JOEY! Coolio says that cooking is like music because there are no rules. Erm, I think making edible food is kind of a rule here.
They go into the show kitchen with a table set for several people. LDP says he cannot count how many chairs there (there are only 10…seriously…not kidding) are because his math is not that good even though he did Stand And Deliver. So right here I have whipped onto IMDB to find other LDP movies (all I can think of is La Bamba and then…nothing) to make a sarcastic joke. PEOPLE. He is making a movie that will come out in 2013 and it is called Arachnaconda. Here is the description from IMDP (a direct quote) “It’s exactly what it sounds like”. This makes me happy beyond description.
Apparently this will be a dinner party for friends and family of Cold Miser and Rach----------------A-E-E-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEl. Cold Miser tells Joey to make crispy chicken skin and he will “rock the house”. It will also rock your gall bladder too and not in a good way. Coolio tells Cold Miser he will make a salad with a twist…an apple vinaigrette! At this point my cat Saffron starts to meow. She rarely meows so I am worried this show may be too disturbing, even for cats.
First up is Coolio versus Joey. Coolio makes garlic bread with butter, mayo and cheddar cheese. He does not mention actual garlic, but that is pretty much the least of the problems here.
We are introduced to Cold Miser and Rach7890987l’s family and friends. I am positive these are all actors. Cold Miser mentions Joey chose to cook things outside of his wheelhouse (what is that anyway? I Google it but get no answers that involve spiders or anacondas, so who cares?).
Next is LDP versus Taylor. Racheoooooooooooooeeeeeeeel tells LDP to make saltimbocca. She explains to him it means ‘jump in the mouth’ in Italian, to which LDP says he tried that line on dates before but it has never worked! Haha LDP! What a crazy suave scamp you are! I wonder how to say ‘jump in the lake’ in Italian..or better…’please make this show stop’. LDP says he is making Lou-sagna (not a typo there…he really said that). He will make it with his own ‘special gravy’. If you are thinking the same thing I am here, then we are all glad I am not going to type it out….
We learn MLDP is still with us when LDP does her voice saying time is the enemy So is this show, MLDP. Racheupwithpeoplel introduces one of the actors playing her friends as a food writer who is ‘the king of meat’. Again I have bad thoughts. You guys, this show is really randy! Maybe I will watch it again on Valentine’s Day as I sit alone with 5 cats….or maybe not because watching this show again would be the real pathetic part of that day.
Cold Miser, Rachebleepbloorpel and the actors taste all the ‘food’. The camera shows close-ups of the ‘food’ and I now feel a considerable amount of nausea…or is that Lou-sea?
The winner of the LDP versus Taylor is…LDP. Feathering RULES! He says he made it because he ‘put the energy out to the universe”. Well, I did that to get the Pats to win the Super Bowl and that did not work now DID IT, DID IT?!?!?!?!???? Stupid universe. Life is only fair for the feathered of hair. Which, by the way, will be the title of my upcoming biography.
Oh tragedy strikes. Coolio has won and my precious Joey has been eliminated. First the Pats and now my Joey lose. It is too much to bear. I now quote Nancy Kerrigan: WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY!?
But we are not yet done with this marathon of gack! Joey and Taylor have a short consolation round to get $5K for their charity. JOEY WINS! So the day has turned around, the clouds are lifting and the universe has realigned back to, um, whatever it is supposed to be, I guess. Heee, sorry, I lost control of that sentence. Not hard to do when your brain has been turned into a gLoutinous mass of malfunctioning jelly from this show.