Thursday, August 15, 2013

Blast Vegas: Oh Spider Elliott I love you sooo much!!!

Since it was such a nice day yesterday I naturally spent my time after work inside the house watching Blast Vegas that I had DVRd from SyFy.  I give it 7 out of 10 Sharktopi.  Here are the high(?)lights
3. OK, so Barry plays a lounge singer who at the beginning of the movie sings a song about Vegas being a lovely lady (no, really, he does).  He spends the movie with the group of teens but (so, no spoiler here since as a SyFy veteran you know what is coming) is killed at the end.  This deducted 2 Sharktopi from my score of this movie.  Not even a noble death.  He is blown back by a helicopter that exploded (seriously, EVERY helicopter in a SyFy movie explodes) that was bitten by a giant pillar of sand shaped like a snake (why not?) and then just sort of dies.  Meh.  During part of the beginning he also carries a martini glass everywhere which mysteriously refills itself a few times.  Why a martini glass?  ACTING!!! That’s why.
4. Frankie Muniz plays a teen and per usual for these movies, looks like he is pushing 40.  He is so annoying and stupid you want him to die and feel self-loathing because as the “teen” “hero” you know he will not. 
5.  The “heroine” is dumber than a sack of rocks.  She wanders around in a sandstorm instead of going indoors.  But awesomely, the reeeeeeeeally bad editing of this movie cuts to her in different locations and you wonder how she even got there.  (my sister pointed out that the chick's purse never moves.  You have to admire a lady with that much purse control) You also wonder why you are watching this movie.  Many many times you wonder both of these things.
6.  When the “heroine” is wandering around outdoors she is chased by a tiger.  Don’t think about this.  Just acknowledge that it is.  It stops chasing her because she yells at it.  So why when I yell at my orange striped cat to stop doing something he does it anyway?  I guess it only works on CGI tigers.
7.  Even though there is a sandstorm hitting Vegas for the whole movie, people can walk around outside with no mask on and breathe OK.  When they go inside, they have NO sand on them. 
8. There is a 10 minute or so sequence at the end (read: filler) where the “hero” and “heroine” are menaced by a looter who is obviously played by Bob Stereotype.
9. We also learn that tornados are capable of high winds that really don’t blow much of anything around except foam rocks.
10. John Landis cameo in the beginning…pointless other than it allows a scene to show a CGI tornado to do…um…I guess it just sort of moves across the desert.  I think.  Maybe?  Confused.  Dizzy…..
11. When people in Vegas see a car coming they run in front of it!  Every scene where Frankie was driving his van (I think it was a Mercedes van  so run out and buy this because it can drive through a sandstorm for quite a while and the engine NEVER clogs! In case you are either going to Vegas or plan on driving through sandstorms.) when he drives the van in EVERY scene, people run in front of the car.  It was hilarious and I envisioned what an awesome video game this would make….
12.  In conclusion, BAAARRYYYY!!!!!!

Celebrity Cook Off: MAKE IT STOP

  • We open with a montage of the last show which eliminated my Johnny.  The pain returns anew.  WHY WHY WHY
  • Mr. Tori is contemplative (or what passes for ‘thinking’anyway).because he is the only one left on his team.  I am pretty pretty sure the others on his team ‘cooked’ badly on purpose to get away from incessant talk about being the Culinary Dad. 
  • Food trucks!  I am hoping there are lots of mobile port-o-sans for the poor b*stards who will have to taste this food. 
  • The front of the trucks say “R&G” Retch & Groan?  Obviously.
  • Guy FIERRRRRRI!! has neon yellow sunglasses with magenta reflective lenses.  Even aliens from Mercury are going “too bright, dude!”
  • So the challenge is announced with the predictable gnashing moaning and ENDLESS whining by Carny (Carnie?  Carny?  I forget.  I would now like to thank my brain for not remembering something so stupid.  High five, brain!)  Dear God, make her stop.
  • Two people are going home today.  I am VERY happy since this means one less episode of this crap.
  • Mr Tori says when you ‘mess up’ Asian food it is ‘bad’.  CULINARY EXPERTISE!!!
  • LDP! LDP! LDPPPPPPPPP!  LDP is on the show because he is holding the golden ticket.  I have no idea what this means.  Even if it was adequately explained it would still somehow be meaningless. 
  • Carnie whines.  Again.  She is going to make meatballs, mashed potatos and gravy.  For a food truck dish.  Think about that for a while.
  • Mr Tori is making a taco with pork, chorizo and assorted crap. Blech.
  • They show a clip of Tori sending a message of love and encouragement to her husband.  So it appears she has finally learned to act!
  • Seriously, people I ad to fast forward to some of the food preparation montage because what they are making looks so colossally disgusting…..
  • Carnie says she has to convince the people that her food tastes good.  Normally you would think that delicious food would take care of this but since her food looks like crap, she will need to to a LOT of talking (which, judging from this show, is apparently not an issue for her) to convince people this food is good.
  • LDP shows up!!!!!  He has a golden ticket which counts for 5 votes.  WOW! I thought it meant a magical tour of his hairdresser’s salon but I guess not.
  • Kathy gave her mac and cheese middle eastern ‘flair ‘ by adding parsley (??) and…olives.  GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACKHHHCCHHK!
  • One of the patrons said a hotdog should have ‘snap’ when you bite into it.  That usually happens because you have bitten into a piece of a hoof.
So the two going to the final are Mr Tori and Carnie.  Let the whining begin.

Celebrity Cook-Off: My spirit animal is gone

OK so I have been bracing myself because this is the one where SPOILER ALERT FOR SADNESS my glittery spirit animal Johnny gets eliminated.

This recap is therefore written under protest with extreme anger.
Within 30 seconds Mr. Tori Spelling rants about his Gourmet Dad website (wait, excuse me for a second. HAHAHAHAHA) OK, back.  Johnny, with the most angelic of eyes, looks upon Mr. TS with great sympathy.  He is the Dear Abby for us all, my friends. 

We then see the scene of blue and pink tents with balloons, a bouncy house and toys.  Johnny, because he is the SMARTEST PERSON EVER deduces it is a kid’s challenge.  He is worried because kids don’t like him.  They like you my feathery angel.  Their brains are just too small to yet comprehend your magic.  Mr. Tori Spelling rants again about he is the Gourmet Dad.  DEAR GOD MAKE HIM STOP.

One team cooks for the boys, another for the girls.  *sigh*  Let the stereotyping begin!  Hines is sad because his team chose the girls and he would rather cook for boys.  *again, sigh*  Johnny says “kids are horrible to deal with in artistic formats”.  I don’t know what this means but I am assuming it means something fabulous and involving dancing and sequins? He asks a boy if he likes salty snacks.  The kid makes a face.  Die, kid.  

Hines wants to do quesadillas.  Racheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel says it is a good idea.  Um, no it is not.  She then says these are “California kids” so they might like ‘guac’.  Fuac you, Raececehhhhhal.

I am distracted by Johnny’s many bracelets.  I covet them.  One of them has a Chanel charm on it.  WANT. So while the teams spend more time ranting about the ridiculously easy food they will try to make and fuac up, I devote the majority of my brain to thinking about Johnny’s bracelets.  Mr. Tori Spelling says he will make some food thingy with liquid nitrogen which will be “dragon’s breath”.  Is it wrong I want the Daenerys’s dragons  from Game of Thrones to kill him now? No. 

Guy FIERIEEEI tells Johnny he can talk to kids by saying “What’s up my man”.  Johnny laughs at him along with the three viewers who are actually watching this show. 

Mr. TS mentions he is the Gourmet dad AGAIN and we are only 10 minutes in, people.  If you are playing a drinking game every time he says this, please don’t.  You will die. 

Next we have an extended sequence where they all try to cook.  People, how can you possibly screw up making rice krispie treats?  These people can.  Then all the kids show up and the “celebrities” try to amuse them by playing games.  The kids scream, I am assuming, with fear.  As any normal person would.  Hines says he will charm the ladies.  I feel oooky.  If I were those girls, I would ask to try on his massive diamond earrings, because that is what is important amirite? 

There is a special guest!  Is it the president of TUMs?  No it is Rico, the kid who plays Manny on Modern Family.  Run Manny RUN AWAY!  Manny says he likes the food.  Now THAT is good acting! Johnny is wearing two pointy birthday hats which perfectly coordinate with his tank top.  Of course they do. 

So the winning team is …a tie!  Which makes Racheeeeeeeelllllllllllll laugh and say “Shut the front door”.  Which is what you always say when you are surprised…by NOTHING.  The two worse dishes were by Carnie and my Johnny.  They have to face off and make a hot dog.  Johnny takes a sausage out of the casing (make your own joke here) and thus does not cook any hot dog.  Nooooooooooo!!  If you had covered it with glitter it would have been OK, but he did not.  Carnie wins which means another episode of her constant whining.  My sweet Johnny is cut.  Johnny leaves presumably by walking away but I saw him float away on a carpet of fluffy kittens being pulled by a unicorn with a braided mane decorated with sparkles.