Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Normally I would record each nuance, each meaningful moment, but this one sort of sucked the life out of me, sort of like the salt monster in Star Trek but without the cupping marks on my face afterwards.
So here it is:
1. The theme is sort of like from a 1970s action movie only with the lyrics Super Shark! Super Shark! Super Shark!
2. Did you know sharks can move around on land by doing The Worm? Truth.
3. So the plot is basically this: crap happens, bikini clad babes get chomped and an actor from a long ago cancelled series tries to 'act". In this case, John Schneider.
4. You guys, John Schneider has GREAT hair. I am jealous since my hair is thinning. DAMN YOU ESTROGEN! Come back to me!
5. At the end of the movie Bo Duke is interviewed by reporter played by some chick who is so botoxed that it is leeching out of her and paralyzing everything within a five mile radius. He played some sort of oil company owner and she asks him what he will do next. The last line of the movie is him looking at the camera and saying "Drill, baby, drill". I guess it is supposed to be chilling but it is so hilarious that I did a spit take with my Diet Peach Snapple. Then I was sad since Diet Peach Snapple is awesome and to lose any of it in such a tragic manner is UNACCEPTABLE.
6. I love you, IMDB because upon looking up Bo Duke's 'movies' there is THIS coming from SYFY:
Monday, July 23, 2012
- The theme tries to rip off the Sharktopus theme. It is sort of a beachy retro tune with the following lyrics: look out, look out, look out Pirahnacondaaaaaah.
- Michael Madsen ‘plays’ a ‘scientist’. Really, he only has a few lines in the whole movie and says them with the verve of a man who just took 900 quaaludes. We first see him with his team, looking for animal eggs, as a scientist always does. The woman helping him inexplicably has a long hair black wig on – sort of a Natasha look without the gravitas of a Bullwinkle episode.
- P-conda makes an appearance almost right away. He eats all of Dr. Madsen’s team, plus a helicopter. Fun! Helicopters provide the valuable minerals every P-conda needs in his diet.
- So the plot (ish) is around a horror movie being filmed in Hawaii. Let’s break this down.
- There is an odd subplot in the first part of the movie with a geeky tourist guy and his blond leathery girlfriend. OK, the girlfriend is not leather tan..she has gone beyond that and looks like she has the skin of a velociraptor. Geeky guy is pale and with a blond busty leather woman! Haw!! For some reason they hang around for ‘comic relief' for a good half hour before P-conda eats them. Nerdy guy gets it first and leather woman gets eaten later. Thanks P-conda, could you maybe get off your skinny butt and eat annoying actors sooner please? Maybe P was saving the woman for later as a snack sort of like kids snacking on fruit leather?
- Dr. Madsen wears glasses because he is an intellectual!
- Um, there are some bad guys inhabiting an old factory and they kidnap Dr. Madsen (who has the same expression – slack jawed and logy – throughout the entire movie). Rachel Hunter is one of the bad guys. She manages to pull off the unthinkable – she is a worse actor than Michael Madsen.
- A bunch of people get chomped with much animated cartoon blood. Yawn. But wait, one bikini clad babe gets nommed by TWO P-condas!!!! They both try to eat the woman at the same time and growl/argue with each other. It’s like Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf, only with animated P-condas – the way it was always intended to be by Edward Albee. I shall name the two P-condas George and Martha.
- This movie is actually making less sense as it goes on. I am exhausted.
- The bad guys kidnap some chick a starlet and a producer guy from the fictional movie being filmed. The stunt guy Brick Squarewrench gets away. I hope as he runs through the jungle, he will get eaten. He does not. P-conda FAIL. I HATE you, P-conda!
- P-conda eats a bunch of other people. Did you know when people get eaten they vanish in a red vapor? Well, that is true.
- Dr. Madsen says P-conda hibernates and then comes out “once in a while” which is a scientific term for “once in a while”. Excellent quantitative skills Dr M!
- Brick Lunkmeat rescues Dr. M and some chick (but Rachel Hunter gets eaten by P-conda..I think, because I really was not paying much attention) and drives away but is chased by P-conda! If you are car shopping and want a vehicle that can outrun a giant animated snake with teeth, then do not buy an SUV. You’re welcome.
- I am losing my will to live but then we see a scene of George and Martha fighting! When snakes fight they growl like tigers! Scientific fact!
- The bad guys (we know they are bad because they are wearing black t-shirts) find Brick Slabhunk and shoot at him. They shoot his shoulder and he reacts by showing no emotion. Stoic or bad acting? You be the judge. So P-conda attacks everyone and chomps them, eats part of the SUV and generally has fun. Unlike the viewer who is not having fun.
- Brick Hazmat then rides off on an ATV to lure P-conda away from the others. Wait where did that ATV come from? Oh, never mind. I give up. Defeat overwhelms me like a delicious chocolate syrup over ice cream. Great now I am depressed AND hungry.
- Dr. M gets eaten by P-conda! I could explain how but really, it would make no sense, so why bother.
- Brick Concretedoily and the chick kill P-conda. I am sad. Then at the end we see the other P-conda with DRAMATIC MUSIC to fill us with dread because there is still a P-conda out there! I am filled with dread because I realize they might make a sequel now.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
I tried to put it off, but needed to clear off my DVR to tape episodes of Match Game 77. So here it is, the next to last episode of CCO.
We open on a tender scene with LDP telling Taylor about his fond memories…he spoke lovingly about how his Mom… MLDP?...cooked meals for the family his whole life. Note the basic logic flaw. If MLDP is gone, then she has not done this unless there is some sort of zombie cookery going on. If MLDP is still with us then OMG cook for YOURSELF, LDP!!!! Then LDP talks about he used to be a prep cook and once made an omelet for…Willie Nelson. I had to rewind the DVR to make sure I heard that correctly. Yep, he actually said that. Not sure if that is good or bad…perhaps not being able to hear parts of this program would be for the best. Anyway, please insert your own Nelson-omelet-smoking’ joke here. Here is mine: Willie likes his eggs over-doobie!! HAHAHAA!
Taylor talks about ‘taking it to the next level’ with her ‘creative instincts’. I have no idea what the h*ll she is talking about. But her plastic surgery makes her face look really disturbing. I question my decision to DVR this show in HD.
Taylor and LDP hug. Taylor says she got palpitations and LDP says he has that effect on women. Here are the other effects he has:
1. Jealousy over his perpetually feathered hair. Really, much better than Keith Partridge’s, but LDP does not have the pooka shell necklace, so points off for that.
2. Rampaging nausea over the ‘food’ he has ‘cooked’
3. Musings over how much of a nosedive his career must have taken to be on this show Next stop, probably a SyFy movie…maybe one about an ancient wooden spoon that grows to 80 feet and kills people by dumping large spoonfuls of boiling potato soup on them. Or maybe one about how a crocodile is exposed to radiation while running through a kitchen, morphs with a pot, grows 80 feet tall and turns into a murderous Croc Pot. I would like to see that.
Joey talks about his Fatone Family Foundation (not kidding). I will not make fun of it because it is run by my sweet Joey. JOEY! Coolio says that cooking is like music because there are no rules. Erm, I think making edible food is kind of a rule here.
They go into the show kitchen with a table set for several people. LDP says he cannot count how many chairs there (there are only 10…seriously…not kidding) are because his math is not that good even though he did Stand And Deliver. So right here I have whipped onto IMDB to find other LDP movies (all I can think of is La Bamba and then…nothing) to make a sarcastic joke. PEOPLE. He is making a movie that will come out in 2013 and it is called Arachnaconda. Here is the description from IMDP (a direct quote) “It’s exactly what it sounds like”. This makes me happy beyond description.
Apparently this will be a dinner party for friends and family of Cold Miser and Rach----------------A-E-E-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEl. Cold Miser tells Joey to make crispy chicken skin and he will “rock the house”. It will also rock your gall bladder too and not in a good way. Coolio tells Cold Miser he will make a salad with a twist…an apple vinaigrette! At this point my cat Saffron starts to meow. She rarely meows so I am worried this show may be too disturbing, even for cats.
First up is Coolio versus Joey. Coolio makes garlic bread with butter, mayo and cheddar cheese. He does not mention actual garlic, but that is pretty much the least of the problems here.
We are introduced to Cold Miser and Rach7890987l’s family and friends. I am positive these are all actors. Cold Miser mentions Joey chose to cook things outside of his wheelhouse (what is that anyway? I Google it but get no answers that involve spiders or anacondas, so who cares?).
Next is LDP versus Taylor. Racheoooooooooooooeeeeeeeel tells LDP to make saltimbocca. She explains to him it means ‘jump in the mouth’ in Italian, to which LDP says he tried that line on dates before but it has never worked! Haha LDP! What a crazy suave scamp you are! I wonder how to say ‘jump in the lake’ in Italian..or better…’please make this show stop’. LDP says he is making Lou-sagna (not a typo there…he really said that). He will make it with his own ‘special gravy’. If you are thinking the same thing I am here, then we are all glad I am not going to type it out….
We learn MLDP is still with us when LDP does her voice saying time is the enemy So is this show, MLDP. Racheupwithpeoplel introduces one of the actors playing her friends as a food writer who is ‘the king of meat’. Again I have bad thoughts. You guys, this show is really randy! Maybe I will watch it again on Valentine’s Day as I sit alone with 5 cats….or maybe not because watching this show again would be the real pathetic part of that day.
Cold Miser, Rachebleepbloorpel and the actors taste all the ‘food’. The camera shows close-ups of the ‘food’ and I now feel a considerable amount of nausea…or is that Lou-sea?
The winner of the LDP versus Taylor is…LDP. Feathering RULES! He says he made it because he ‘put the energy out to the universe”. Well, I did that to get the Pats to win the Super Bowl and that did not work now DID IT, DID IT?!?!?!?!???? Stupid universe. Life is only fair for the feathered of hair. Which, by the way, will be the title of my upcoming biography.
Oh tragedy strikes. Coolio has won and my precious Joey has been eliminated. First the Pats and now my Joey lose. It is too much to bear. I now quote Nancy Kerrigan: WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY!?
But we are not yet done with this marathon of gack! Joey and Taylor have a short consolation round to get $5K for their charity. JOEY WINS! So the day has turned around, the clouds are lifting and the universe has realigned back to, um, whatever it is supposed to be, I guess. Heee, sorry, I lost control of that sentence. Not hard to do when your brain has been turned into a gLoutinous mass of malfunctioning jelly from this show.