Thursday, March 14, 2013

Celebrity Cook Off S.2, Ep2: "Bleah" seems like such an insufficient word

We start with scenery of a field full of plants which was carefully tended to yield delicious vegetables that will never be used by the people on THIS show.

Carnie says Hines’ skills are not there yet.  Let’s see her go out on the football field. 

Mr. Tori Spelling thinks ‘we will definitely be picking stuff”.  Note he did not use the term ‘food’.   I would like to pick…up and leave now.  The socialite chick whose name I will never remember (is this my brain’s way of protecting me??  Thanks brain!!!) says she likes dirt and to “be in the garden with no shoes”.  Johnny Weir looks horrified.  Not as horrified as I look when I see that Guy Fieri has on neon yellow sunglasses with red lenses.  MY EYES!!!!  My eyes are the ones that need protection from this show, not his from the sun.  He then laughs at Chili because she cannot walk through the field as fast as the others.  I wish, more than anything else, for Hines to tackle Guy and knock at least part of the stuffing out of him.  Violence is Fun!

Johnny has VERY high hair.  No other comment needed here other than his hair is awesome.  I love my spindly skating sprite.  He is also wearing, no lie, Daisy Duke cutoff denim shorts.  Pure happiness.  Never change, my enchanted unicorn.

They have to pick food (I am guessing after someone explains to them what actual food is) and then barbecue something.  Random?  Um, yeah.  People, if you try to think about logic on this show you are going to HURT YOURSELF.   Carnie is horrified because she does not barbecue.  We all know that barbecuing is just as hard as sustaining a musical career, so she apparently cannot do either. 

The theme of the show is about ‘respecting your ingredients”. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA.  Hooooo, this show is hiii-larious.

The teams decide what they will “cook” on the grill.  They pretend to have actual thoughts.   This whole sequence makes me laugh so hard I wake up one of my cats sleeping next to me.  Sorry, cat.

You guys, Hines has ENORMOUS diamond earrings.  Am jealous. 

Then they go into the field to pick vegetables.  They panic because the fields are big.  Clearly they are really panicking because none of them can actually identify a fresh vegetable.

Kathy Najimiy is making eggplant farm-esan (no not a typo, she called it that).  She says she must cut the eggplant and let it weep.  Eggplants?  It’s the viewers who will weep!  *rim shot*

Johnny is worried he will not have enough time to get his salad ‘rebeautified’.  Oh Johnny, you and your salad will always be beautiful and magic.

Chili says you must be careful using salmon because it is “very fishy”.  Other obvious thing in life: CO “very painful to watch”. Chili burns her salmon.  Really, actual flames are coming out of the salmon pieces.  Creatures who live in the water obviously are highly flammable.

We are then entertained to what feels like about 7 hours of these people whining because grilling IS HARD!  Mr. Tori Spelling yells they must start thinking about their plates.  I start thinking about Maalox.

They are serving their ‘food’ to employees of the farm they picked the vegetables from.  I think the employees are actually actors because real employees would have quit when they found out they had to taste this stuff.  So I guess a bunch of actors got some work in this episode.  Good for the economy?  Maybe not after the gastrointestinal health care dollars that these people will incur soon….

One of the employee-actors has a German accent and insults the potato salad.  SCHUUUULTZ!!!!  Another says she is not a big fan of watermelon.  What??? Well I am not a fan of your local playhouse adaptation of “You’re a Good Man Charlie Brown” where you assayed the part of Sally.  Your choice to play her as a vampire was ill advised.  So there.

Kathy Najimy says she is nervous and her stomach is in her feet.  My stomach grew its own feet and is running down the street in terror.  It is yelling AIIIIIIIIEEEE!!!  and trailing bits of fundus all over the neighborhood.   Anatomy humor!

I think Johnny’s hair is getting bigger as the episode progresses.  Use as much product as you want to my angel.

So the winning team is Racheaaaunghl’s.   The two bottom people are the Socialite Chick and Mr. Tori Spelling.  They will have a battle of corn.  Not a bunion battle, but a…what’s that…..oh, the vegetable.  Really, would it make any difference in the taste of their food?

Mr. Tori Spelling yammers several times he is playing for a ‘culinary career’ ….which would be the first career he would have.  Bada bing!  *rim shot*  People I am on a ROLL here!!!

The socialite chick loses which is good because I would never be able to remember her name.  Mr. Tori Spelling won because he made a corn omelet.  No, I did not make that up.  I WISH I DID.   I have to go and throw out all the corn in my house now I am so grossed out.