We start with scenery of a field full of plants which was
carefully tended to yield delicious vegetables that will never be used by the
people on THIS show.
Carnie says Hines’ skills are not there yet. Let’s see her go out on the football
field.
Mr. Tori Spelling thinks ‘we will definitely be picking
stuff”. Note he did not use the term
‘food’. I would like to pick…up and
leave now. The socialite chick whose
name I will never remember (is this my brain’s way of protecting me?? Thanks brain!!!) says she likes dirt and to
“be in the garden with no shoes”.
Johnny Weir looks horrified. Not
as horrified as I look when I see that Guy Fieri has on neon yellow sunglasses
with red lenses. MY EYES!!!! My eyes are the ones that need protection
from this show, not his from the sun.
He then laughs at Chili because she cannot walk through the field as
fast as the others. I wish, more than
anything else, for Hines to tackle Guy and knock at least part of the stuffing
out of him. Violence is Fun!
Johnny has VERY high hair.
No other comment needed here other than his hair is awesome. I love my spindly skating sprite. He is also wearing, no lie, Daisy Duke
cutoff denim shorts. Pure happiness. Never change, my enchanted unicorn.
They have to pick food (I am guessing after someone explains
to them what actual food is) and then barbecue something. Random?
Um, yeah. People, if you try to
think about logic on this show you are going to HURT YOURSELF. Carnie is horrified because she does not barbecue. We all know that barbecuing is just
as hard as sustaining a musical career, so she apparently cannot do
either.
The theme of the show is about ‘respecting your
ingredients”. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA.
Hooooo, this show is hiii-larious.
The teams decide what they will “cook” on the grill. They pretend to have actual thoughts. This
whole sequence makes me laugh so hard I wake up one of my cats sleeping next to
me. Sorry, cat.
You guys, Hines has ENORMOUS diamond earrings. Am jealous.
Then they go into the field to pick vegetables. They panic because the fields are big. Clearly they are really panicking because
none of them can actually identify a fresh vegetable.
Kathy Najimiy is making eggplant farm-esan (no not a typo,
she called it that). She says she must
cut the eggplant and let it weep. Eggplants? It’s the viewers who will weep! *rim shot*
Johnny is worried he will not have enough time to get his
salad ‘rebeautified’. Oh Johnny, you
and your salad will always be beautiful and magic.
Chili says you must be careful using salmon because it is
“very fishy”. Other obvious thing in
life: CO “very painful to watch”. Chili burns her salmon. Really, actual flames are coming out of the
salmon pieces. Creatures who live in
the water obviously are highly flammable.
We are then entertained to what feels like about 7 hours of
these people whining because grilling IS HARD!
Mr. Tori Spelling yells they must start thinking about their
plates. I start thinking about Maalox.
They are serving their ‘food’ to employees of the farm they
picked the vegetables from. I think the
employees are actually actors because real employees would have quit when they
found out they had to taste this stuff.
So I guess a bunch of actors got some work in this episode. Good for the economy? Maybe not after the gastrointestinal health
care dollars that these people will incur soon….
One of the employee-actors has a German accent and insults
the potato salad. SCHUUUULTZ!!!! Another says she is not a big fan of
watermelon. What??? Well I am not a fan
of your local playhouse adaptation of “You’re a Good Man Charlie Brown” where
you assayed the part of Sally. Your
choice to play her as a vampire was ill advised. So there.
Kathy Najimy says she is nervous and her stomach is in her
feet. My stomach grew its own feet and
is running down the street in terror.
It is yelling AIIIIIIIIEEEE!!!
and trailing bits of fundus all over the neighborhood. Anatomy humor!
I think Johnny’s hair is getting bigger as the episode
progresses. Use as much product as you
want to my angel.
So the winning team is Racheaaaunghl’s. The two bottom people are the Socialite
Chick and Mr. Tori Spelling. They will
have a battle of corn. Not a bunion
battle, but a…what’s that…..oh, the vegetable. Really, would it make any difference in the
taste of their food?
Mr. Tori Spelling yammers several times he is playing for a
‘culinary career’ ….which would be the first career he would have. Bada bing!
*rim shot* People I am on a ROLL
here!!!
The socialite chick loses which is good because I would
never be able to remember her name. Mr.
Tori Spelling won because he made a corn omelet. No, I did not make that up. I WISH I DID. I have to
go and throw out all the corn in my house now I am so grossed out.
