Monday, July 23, 2012

Pirahnaconda. I knew Sharktopus and you sir are no Sharktopus.

  • The theme tries to rip off the Sharktopus theme.  It is sort of a beachy retro tune with the following lyrics: look out, look out, look out Pirahnacondaaaaaah.
  •  Michael Madsen ‘plays’ a ‘scientist’.  Really, he only has a few lines in the whole movie and says them with the verve of a man who just took 900 quaaludes. We first see him with his team, looking for animal eggs, as a scientist always does.  The woman helping him inexplicably has a long hair black wig on – sort of a Natasha look without the gravitas of a Bullwinkle episode.
  •  P-conda makes an appearance almost right away.  He eats all of Dr. Madsen’s team, plus a helicopter.  Fun!  Helicopters provide the valuable minerals every P-conda needs in his diet.
  •   So the plot (ish) is around a horror movie being filmed in Hawaii.  Let’s break this down. 
o      Hawaii?  Before you can say, “Hey, even Dr. Madsen would know anacondas are not native to Hawaii”.  It is explained that it is a creature out of Polynesian legend.  Well that takes care of that particular logic flaw.
o       The stuntman of the movie is our lead hero in P-Conda.  He is played by a square jawed guy (I was going to say “actor’ but that would be inaccurate) Brick Blockstone.  He talks without actually moving his face and is sooooo bad, that my cat George would say (or, meow) the lines with more credibility.
  • There is an odd subplot in the first part of the movie with a geeky tourist guy and his blond leathery girlfriend.  OK, the girlfriend is not leather tan..she has gone beyond that and looks like she has the skin of a velociraptor.  Geeky guy is pale and with a blond busty leather woman!  Haw!!  For some reason they hang around for ‘comic relief' for a good half hour before P-conda eats them.  Nerdy guy gets it first and leather woman gets eaten later.  Thanks P-conda, could you maybe get off your skinny butt and eat annoying actors sooner please?  Maybe P was saving the woman for later as a snack sort of like kids snacking on fruit leather?
  • Dr. Madsen wears glasses because he is an intellectual!
  • Um, there are some bad guys inhabiting an old factory and they kidnap Dr. Madsen (who has the same expression – slack jawed and logy – throughout the entire movie).  Rachel Hunter is one of the bad guys.  She manages to pull off the unthinkable – she is a worse actor than Michael Madsen. 
o       Interlude: Oh, Michael Madsen!  What HAPPENED to your career??????

  • A bunch of people get chomped with much animated cartoon blood.  Yawn.  But wait, one bikini clad babe gets nommed by TWO P-condas!!!!  They both try to eat the woman at the same time and growl/argue with each other.  It’s like Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf, only with animated P-condas – the way it was always intended to be by Edward Albee.  I shall name the two P-condas George and Martha.
  •  This movie is actually making less sense as it goes on.  I am exhausted.
  • The bad guys kidnap some chick a starlet and a producer guy from the fictional movie being filmed. The stunt guy Brick Squarewrench gets away.  I hope as he runs through the jungle, he will get eaten. He does not.  P-conda FAIL.  I HATE you, P-conda! 
  • P-conda eats a bunch of other people.  Did you know when people get eaten they vanish in a red vapor?  Well, that is true.
  • Dr. Madsen says P-conda hibernates and then comes out “once in a while” which is a scientific term for “once in a while”.  Excellent quantitative skills Dr M!
  • Brick Lunkmeat rescues Dr. M and some chick (but Rachel Hunter gets eaten by P-conda..I think, because I really was not paying much attention) and drives away but is chased by P-conda!  If you are car shopping and want a vehicle that can outrun a giant animated snake with teeth, then do not buy an SUV.  You’re welcome.
  • I am losing my will to live but then we see a scene of George and Martha fighting!  When snakes fight they growl like tigers!  Scientific fact!
  • The bad guys (we know they are bad because they are wearing black t-shirts) find Brick Slabhunk and shoot at him.  They shoot his shoulder and he reacts by showing no emotion.  Stoic or bad acting?  You be the judge.   So P-conda attacks everyone and chomps them, eats part of the SUV and generally has fun.  Unlike the viewer who is not having fun. 
  • Brick Hazmat then rides off on an ATV to lure P-conda away from the others.  Wait where did that ATV come from?  Oh, never mind.  I give up.  Defeat overwhelms me like a delicious chocolate syrup over ice cream.  Great now I am depressed AND hungry.
  • Dr. M gets eaten by P-conda!  I could explain how but really, it would make no sense, so why bother.  
  • Brick Concretedoily and the chick kill P-conda.  I am sad.  Then at the end we see the other P-conda with DRAMATIC MUSIC to fill us with dread because there is still a P-conda out there!  I am filled with dread because I realize they might make a sequel now. 

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