"Celebrity Cook off" Oops, I lost this recap and unfortunately found it....

CCO season 2 ep 3

This episode is being recapped by our guest, Professor JRR Tolkien (or as the kids call him, J-To).  I tried to watch 2 eps of CCO in a row and could not do it.   Yes, I am weak.

We join our Fellowship as they traverse the land of Middle Earth.  The giant Hines comforts the ladies Wendy of the Annoying realm and Kathy CareerSuicide of the vegetable realm.  Wendy, like Lord Aragorn is a ranger and since he was known as Strider, she goes by the plainer name of Whiner. For though Kathy is of the family of man, she eats no flesh, only the plant life of the soil.  “We have emerged victorious” cried Hines.  Let us not leave our courage behind now for there are many battles yet to be battled in a battley battled land.

But on the other side of Gondor Trailer Park lies another merry band who though realizing their quest is fraught with peril, will still go on.  For the gastrointestinal tract of every creature of Middle Earth is at stake.  The lady Chillilien and wizard Mr. Tori Spelloden are joined by the elf Jhohney.  Lord Elrond sent him as a pledge to fight for Middle Earth alongside man.  After being cast out of the country of Olympius by the evil mage Lysacek, the pale and sleek elf found a home with these fellow travelers.  He is garbed in a robe of sparkly silver mithril.  They lament the loss of their friend who was swallowed by the Fierirog, a creature of such evil that the dwarves of the Dwarrowdelf who released him from the fiery depths, gazed upon him as he bore down to take their souls and said “Crap!”. 

Our two bands have crossed the plains of Pellenor Rigby, the land of Rohandmedown and have met together at the Inn of the Barfing Everyone.  But they stand open mouthed and cannot utter a word as they are met by the Fierirog and a siren whose voice causes them to wish to tear their ears out.  The Fierirog roars at them and says “You shall pass only if you can cook us breakfast, elevenses and lunch all together in one meal!” 
“Oh” cried Whiner “What can we do!  We are out of lembas and Capri Sun!”  But courage returned to the fellowship as the lady Chillilien recited a poem:

This show goes ever on and on

Down from the ruins where it began.

Now damage to our land the show has done,

…this poem goes on for 6 more pages…….

And I must barf, if I can,

Pursuing a fleeting calm stomach,

Until it leads me far away

Where many burnt foodstuffs meet.

And whither then? I cannot say.

Burp.

The fellowship then set about creating their meals.  The siren spoke with some of the members.  She spread her arms and proclaimed that fake nice crispy bacon would satisfy even the surliest orc.  The giant Hines expressed fear of a food processor.  The siren looked into his eyes and saw the soul of a champion and bade him to face his fears.  It was deemed unusual that the Fierirog also provided counsel by roaring “I LIKE TURKEY”.  Though the fellowship quaked with fear, they were of stout hearts and vowed to continue this quest.  In this they were assisted with their weapons, the axe, the bow and the whisk.  For the quest needed to be completed quickly.  A horde of uruk-ohai were coming and the only thing to slow them would be the One Onion Ring. 

Three rings for the King from the Burger

Seven rings for the Hamburglers in their halls of stone,

Nine for Mortal Men doomed to die from clogged arteries,

One for the Dark Lord on his greasy throne,

In the Land of McMordor where the minimum wage teenagers lie.

One Onion Ring to rule them all,

One Onion Ring to find them,

One Onion Ring to enter their intestines and in the darkness bind them,

In the Land of McMordor where the fryolator lies.

Soon the uruk-ohai came thundering across the plains of Isenguardyourstomach.  There seemed to be no end to their numbers.  Each of the Fellowship labored mightily to satisfy the horde and arrest the progress of their travel from Gack-duhm.  The Fellowship members acquitted themselves with the highest bravery.  The fierce nature of the uruk-ohai was calmed by the magic of the elf Jhohney.  His mithril robe trailed sparkles and magic as he glided unscathed amongst the horde.  All were touched by this display of bravery and sequins.  But the day was carried by Whiner and the giant Hines.  Much joy and rejoicing was seen as the uruk-ohai retreated to the land of McMordor.  But sorrow was still felt as the fair lady Chillilien left the Fellowship.  There was much lamentation and as usual, Samwise Gamgee came over and cried A LOT.  I mean really, a LOT. But the fair Chillilien returned to her own lands where she will be embraced and not at all blamed for this silliness. 

The Fellowship, while feeling sorrowful for the loss of one of their members vowed to continue their journey to bring meals to Middle Earth.  The denizens of Middle Earth said “Um, no thanks”.  Even though both Gollum and Sméagol agreed that the food was not precious and really, they no longer want to know if the hobbitssess have the One Onion Ring in their pocketses, the Fellowship will nonetheless press on.

And on.

And on.