Thursday, August 15, 2013

Blast Vegas: Oh Spider Elliott I love you sooo much!!!

Since it was such a nice day yesterday I naturally spent my time after work inside the house watching Blast Vegas that I had DVRd from SyFy.  I give it 7 out of 10 Sharktopi.  Here are the high(?)lights
3. OK, so Barry plays a lounge singer who at the beginning of the movie sings a song about Vegas being a lovely lady (no, really, he does).  He spends the movie with the group of teens but (so, no spoiler here since as a SyFy veteran you know what is coming) is killed at the end.  This deducted 2 Sharktopi from my score of this movie.  Not even a noble death.  He is blown back by a helicopter that exploded (seriously, EVERY helicopter in a SyFy movie explodes) that was bitten by a giant pillar of sand shaped like a snake (why not?) and then just sort of dies.  Meh.  During part of the beginning he also carries a martini glass everywhere which mysteriously refills itself a few times.  Why a martini glass?  ACTING!!! That’s why.
4. Frankie Muniz plays a teen and per usual for these movies, looks like he is pushing 40.  He is so annoying and stupid you want him to die and feel self-loathing because as the “teen” “hero” you know he will not. 
5.  The “heroine” is dumber than a sack of rocks.  She wanders around in a sandstorm instead of going indoors.  But awesomely, the reeeeeeeeally bad editing of this movie cuts to her in different locations and you wonder how she even got there.  (my sister pointed out that the chick's purse never moves.  You have to admire a lady with that much purse control) You also wonder why you are watching this movie.  Many many times you wonder both of these things.
6.  When the “heroine” is wandering around outdoors she is chased by a tiger.  Don’t think about this.  Just acknowledge that it is.  It stops chasing her because she yells at it.  So why when I yell at my orange striped cat to stop doing something he does it anyway?  I guess it only works on CGI tigers.
7.  Even though there is a sandstorm hitting Vegas for the whole movie, people can walk around outside with no mask on and breathe OK.  When they go inside, they have NO sand on them. 
8. There is a 10 minute or so sequence at the end (read: filler) where the “hero” and “heroine” are menaced by a looter who is obviously played by Bob Stereotype.
9. We also learn that tornados are capable of high winds that really don’t blow much of anything around except foam rocks.
10. John Landis cameo in the beginning…pointless other than it allows a scene to show a CGI tornado to do…um…I guess it just sort of moves across the desert.  I think.  Maybe?  Confused.  Dizzy…..
11. When people in Vegas see a car coming they run in front of it!  Every scene where Frankie was driving his van (I think it was a Mercedes van  so run out and buy this because it can drive through a sandstorm for quite a while and the engine NEVER clogs! In case you are either going to Vegas or plan on driving through sandstorms.) when he drives the van in EVERY scene, people run in front of the car.  It was hilarious and I envisioned what an awesome video game this would make….
12.  In conclusion, BAAARRYYYY!!!!!!

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