Since it was such a nice day yesterday I naturally spent
my time after work inside the house watching Blast Vegas that I had DVRd
from SyFy. I give it 7 out of 10 Sharktopi. Here are the
high(?)lights
1. BARRY BOSTWICK!
2. BARRY BOSTWICK!
3. OK, so Barry plays a lounge singer who at the
beginning of the movie sings a song about Vegas being a lovely lady
(no, really, he does). He spends the movie with the group of teens but
(so, no spoiler here since as a SyFy veteran you
know what is coming) is killed at the end. This deducted 2 Sharktopi
from my score of this movie. Not even a noble death. He is blown back
by a helicopter that exploded (seriously, EVERY helicopter in a SyFy
movie explodes) that was bitten by a giant pillar
of sand shaped like a snake (why not?) and then just sort of dies.
Meh. During part of the beginning he also carries a martini glass
everywhere which mysteriously refills itself a few times. Why a martini
glass? ACTING!!! That’s why.
4. Frankie Muniz plays a teen and per usual for
these movies, looks like he is pushing 40. He is so annoying and stupid
you want him to die and feel self-loathing because as the “teen” “hero”
you know he will not.
5. The “heroine” is dumber than a sack of
rocks. She wanders around in a sandstorm instead of going indoors. But
awesomely, the reeeeeeeeally bad editing of this movie cuts to her in
different locations and you wonder how she even got
there. (my sister pointed out that the chick's purse never moves. You have to admire a lady with that much purse control) You also wonder why you are watching this movie. Many many
times you wonder both of these things.
6. When the “heroine” is wandering around
outdoors she is chased by a tiger. Don’t think about this. Just
acknowledge that it is. It stops chasing her because she
yells at it. So why when I yell at my orange striped cat to stop doing something he does it anyway? I guess it only works on CGI tigers.
7. Even though there is a sandstorm hitting
Vegas for the whole movie, people can walk around outside with no mask on
and breathe OK. When they go inside, they have NO sand on them.
8. There is a 10 minute or so sequence at the
end (read: filler) where the “hero” and “heroine” are menaced by a
looter who is obviously played by Bob Stereotype.
9. We also learn that tornados are capable of high winds that really don’t blow much of anything around except foam rocks.
10. John Landis cameo in the beginning…pointless
other than it allows a scene to show a CGI tornado to do…um…I guess it
just sort of moves across the desert. I think. Maybe? Confused.
Dizzy…..
11. When people in Vegas see a car coming they
run in front of it! Every scene where Frankie was driving his van (I
think it was a Mercedes van so run out and buy this because it can
drive through a sandstorm for quite a while and the
engine NEVER clogs! In case you are either going to Vegas or plan on
driving through sandstorms.)..so when he
drives the van in EVERY scene, people run in front of the car. It was
hilarious and I envisioned what an awesome
video game this would make….
12. In conclusion, BAAARRYYYY!!!!!!
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