Thursday, August 15, 2013

Celebrity Cook-Off: My spirit animal is gone

OK so I have been bracing myself because this is the one where SPOILER ALERT FOR SADNESS my glittery spirit animal Johnny gets eliminated.

This recap is therefore written under protest with extreme anger.
Within 30 seconds Mr. Tori Spelling rants about his Gourmet Dad website (wait, excuse me for a second. HAHAHAHAHA) OK, back.  Johnny, with the most angelic of eyes, looks upon Mr. TS with great sympathy.  He is the Dear Abby for us all, my friends. 

We then see the scene of blue and pink tents with balloons, a bouncy house and toys.  Johnny, because he is the SMARTEST PERSON EVER deduces it is a kid’s challenge.  He is worried because kids don’t like him.  They like you my feathery angel.  Their brains are just too small to yet comprehend your magic.  Mr. Tori Spelling rants again about he is the Gourmet Dad.  DEAR GOD MAKE HIM STOP.

One team cooks for the boys, another for the girls.  *sigh*  Let the stereotyping begin!  Hines is sad because his team chose the girls and he would rather cook for boys.  *again, sigh*  Johnny says “kids are horrible to deal with in artistic formats”.  I don’t know what this means but I am assuming it means something fabulous and involving dancing and sequins? He asks a boy if he likes salty snacks.  The kid makes a face.  Die, kid.  

Hines wants to do quesadillas.  Racheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel says it is a good idea.  Um, no it is not.  She then says these are “California kids” so they might like ‘guac’.  Fuac you, Raececehhhhhal.

I am distracted by Johnny’s many bracelets.  I covet them.  One of them has a Chanel charm on it.  WANT. So while the teams spend more time ranting about the ridiculously easy food they will try to make and fuac up, I devote the majority of my brain to thinking about Johnny’s bracelets.  Mr. Tori Spelling says he will make some food thingy with liquid nitrogen which will be “dragon’s breath”.  Is it wrong I want the Daenerys’s dragons  from Game of Thrones to kill him now? No. 

Guy FIERIEEEI tells Johnny he can talk to kids by saying “What’s up my man”.  Johnny laughs at him along with the three viewers who are actually watching this show. 

Mr. TS mentions he is the Gourmet dad AGAIN and we are only 10 minutes in, people.  If you are playing a drinking game every time he says this, please don’t.  You will die. 

Next we have an extended sequence where they all try to cook.  People, how can you possibly screw up making rice krispie treats?  These people can.  Then all the kids show up and the “celebrities” try to amuse them by playing games.  The kids scream, I am assuming, with fear.  As any normal person would.  Hines says he will charm the ladies.  I feel oooky.  If I were those girls, I would ask to try on his massive diamond earrings, because that is what is important amirite? 

There is a special guest!  Is it the president of TUMs?  No it is Rico, the kid who plays Manny on Modern Family.  Run Manny RUN AWAY!  Manny says he likes the food.  Now THAT is good acting! Johnny is wearing two pointy birthday hats which perfectly coordinate with his tank top.  Of course they do. 

So the winning team is …a tie!  Which makes Racheeeeeeeelllllllllllll laugh and say “Shut the front door”.  Which is what you always say when you are surprised…by NOTHING.  The two worse dishes were by Carnie and my Johnny.  They have to face off and make a hot dog.  Johnny takes a sausage out of the casing (make your own joke here) and thus does not cook any hot dog.  Nooooooooooo!!  If you had covered it with glitter it would have been OK, but he did not.  Carnie wins which means another episode of her constant whining.  My sweet Johnny is cut.  Johnny leaves presumably by walking away but I saw him float away on a carpet of fluffy kittens being pulled by a unicorn with a braided mane decorated with sparkles. 

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