Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Celebrity Cook Off episode 3: RUN AWAY!!!!


This week I will be making an important decision…whether or not to switch the designation of My Favorite Wal-Mart. Many hours of contemplative thought and pacing nervously have gone into this decision. However, all of my contemplative thoughts revolved around Mr. John Hamm, so I have still not chosen my primary Wal-Martian site. Stay tuned.

Now on to important business: CCO. Oh sure the football playoffs were this weekend (PATSPATSPATS!) and the Golden Globes (tragically Hamm-free but looking at the fashions is my favorite sport…) but the most IMPORTANT Teee Veee event was CCO. Cause what is more fun…evaluating the way Charlize Theron looked (OMG, fierce) or what sort of fashionable glasses the Cold Miser is wearing on the back of his head. Remember the episode of Angel where these demons put an eye in the back of Cordelias’s head? It’s pretty obvious that is why the Cold Miser wears glasses on the back of his head. Cold Miser is demon-spawn!!! Well, duh.

Where was I?...oh, episode 3.

So every episode starts with the ‘celebs’ sitting in some hotel suite talking about HOW HARD this ‘competition ‘ is. For this episode, the guys are sitting around talking about HOW HARD the competition is…but the most awesome part is that we see that Coolio and Joey Fatone were playing tic-tac-toe with a set of metal Xs and Os. This may be the greatest thing I have ever seen. Suck it Grand Canyon, I now think of you and go “meh” because I have seen Joey Fatone and Coolio playing t-t-t. Since I know you all now want to get a board like this so you can be just like Coolio and JF, here is one:

You’re welcome.

The judges for this episode are from the Food Network show Chopped. Poor Marcus Samuelsson...he looked embarrassed to be there. His restaurant in NY must be doing very badly for him to be doing this show. Go patronize his restaurant people! Don’t make me get Sarah McLachlan to do a sad commercial about him!!

The celebs are cooking on-on-one against each other sort of like an episode of Chopped. First up Coolio and Lou Diamond Philips who have to cook fried chicken. LDP brags to Racheeeeiiioooouuuaal Ray about how he grew up eating collard greens (really!?!) so he said “My greens are good”. I am going to use this phrase at work as much as possible. Sample conversation:

Boss: Is that set of PowerPoint slides ready to go?

Me: My greens are good.

And then watch my career take off!! Success here I come! Whee!

LDP has some crazy feathered hair, you guys. I give it 8 Farrah Fawcetts out of 10. LDP brags he is doing an egg-wash when breading the chicken, which, he points out, “a lot of people don’t do”. Sigh. A lot of people DO THAT, LDP…what they don’t do is excessively feather their hair. The Chopped judges taste the fried chicken and one judge says LDP’s chicken “Delivers on the promise of what fried chicken is”. What is that promise? I have never hard fried chicken make a promise and frankly would be more than slightly alarmed if it did so. Hmmm…wasn’t there a Nicholas Sparks novel called “The Promise of Fried Chicken”? Maybe it is available on Kindle.

The next cook-off is Taylor Dayne and Joey Fatone (JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOEY) making spaghetti. Right now you are reeling over how difficult this challenge is, aren’t you? I thought so. Joey starts dancing in the kitchen. Why? Because he is awesome. DON’T DISAGREE WITH ME, PEOPLE! He is awesome. Racheaoogahal tells Taylor to use a thicker pasta such as ‘bugatoni’. Is it bug shaped pasta? Is it pasta that bugs you by saying ‘eat me now, eat me now” and you go “ALL RIGHT ALREADY!”? Not sure. She said it again and it sounded like she said ‘pookatini’ which everyone knows is the pasta that mischievous spirits eat. Taylor finally finds the boogatini (?) and it is spaghetti that is hollow (bucatini). Mystery solved without the help of Scooby and those meddling kids.

Finally, Cheech and Olympic chick have to make steak. Olympic chick says she has never made a steak on the stove-top before. Huh? I now hypothesize she has never made toast using a toaster, microwave popcorn using a microwave, or a Viking battle-ax using the finest forged steel tempered over a fire stoked by the blood and bones of her enemies. These are pretty basic tasks that everyone knows how to do. Olympic chick sets the stove on fire (hey maybe she DOES know how to make a battle-axe…) and everyone CRACKS UP laughing. Nothing funnier than fire! HAHAHAHAHAAAA!! Now I cannot get that song by The Crazy World of Arthur Brown out of my head. Thanks, Olympic Chick.


Olympic Chick makes Bloody Mary flavored butter to go on her steak because it reminds her of her father…who I guess was Foster Brooks (young people, look it up). And, blechhhch.

The three losing ‘chefs’ that have to do an elimination round are Cheech, LDP and my beloved Joey. The challenge is to make a grilled cheese sandwich. (not kidding here). LDP and Cheech try to be fancy and Joey makes one using white bread and American cheese. He put a happy face on top of the sandwich using tomato slices for eyes and a pickle slice or a mouth (again, not kidding here). I heart you, Joey. A man of the people. LDP chose a hard cheese that did not melt. He is ANGRY at himself. I think he is asking too much out of life…if you are blessed with feather-licious hair, asking also for the ability to melt cheese is just plain greedy. Cold Miser and Racheeeoheynowael taste the sammiches and announce Joey’s is their favorite! He is so surprised he falls to the floor. OH NO! Don’t fracture anything Joey! I hope he is taking Fosamax©!!! The judges likes his sammich because he was able to melt cheese (really, they actually said that). Cheech is on the bottom and he is eliminated. LDP is STRESSED he was so close to being eliminated and vows to cook with both his heart and his head. I recommend using hands and arms, too, but that’s just me…..

No comments:

Post a Comment