Friday, January 13, 2012

Celebrity Cook Off - Episode 2: Cannolis of DEATH

There were so many tid bits of wonder and joy, I feel that they need to be listed in bullet points so you can work your way through them and savor each one and to allow time after each one for you to say to yourself “there is NO way that happened”. Oh yes, friends. It did.

  • · Lou Diamond Phillips is now consistently being called LDP. Sort of like the acronym WTF only much more cool. Use it in your conversations! Amaze coworkers with your grasp of modern lingo (BTW (see..Hahaha I can use the kids’ lingo too!), if you get the Game Show Network they are rerunning the 1980s? show Lingo hosted by Chuck Woolery. His feathered hair and brick-like jaw are inspiring and make me want to be a better person). LDP right away says the competition is ‘off the hook’. He is groovy!
  • · The Cold Miser’s beard is two different colors and has a weird shape. My theory is that it morphs over time into the shape of different symbols and is therefore the conduit that ancient Mayans are using to speak to us. What are they saying? “Our calendar, put together by Q’uetzotoczol’lloztz, is off the hook!” It’s the only way to explain a beard that is that horrifying. …and I eagerly await the next message from our Mayan friends.
  • · The challenge for this episode is that they are making..sorry I mean “making” desserts. LDP says it is the weakness in his ‘culinary arsenal’. No jokes here…no way I can add to the strangeness of that statement.
  • · So the desserts have to include a savory element. Team Cold Miser gets horse radish and Team Racheaeeaaeaeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeal gets anchovies. So both teams decide to use the savory to make…cannolis. Cold Miser tells them to make the filling with wasabi, goat cheese and mascarpone.

o OK, so I was ready for the show this time and had gone to the local wholesale club to purchase a big bucket of Tums (bucket of Tums in French is bouche de non poup ). But after hearing the above, I had to consume all of them at once. It did not help my extreme gastric distress from the thought of those cannollis, but on the plus side, I have now consumed my recommended calcium intake for the next 2,495.88 days. I defy you, hip fractures!! Ha!

  • · I love you Joey Fatone. It just needed to be said.
  • · The segment where they ‘cook’ the desserts was pretty dull. Just a lot of people running around and yelling about how they do not know what they are doing. Thank you Doctors Obvious. What was awesome was the background overly-dramatic music. It sounded like the music from every action sequence in your Chuck Norris or Stephen Seagal movies. Yes, I have not seen an action movie since 1981.
  • · The desserts were judged by recent culinary school graduates. Those poor b*stards. They spent all that money to learn how to be a chef but they will not get a cooking show unless they can be overly perky, unskilled and have mysterious hair. The fact that they are now skilled precludes them from being on the Food Network.
  • · As they were showing the desserts and those poor judges were eating them, one of my cats ran out of the room and barfed. A wise feline.
  • · The teams tied (presumably because all the desserts were equally repulsive) so the team Captains had to do a cook-off. The captains were the Miss USA chick and the Olympics chick. Both have skinny ropey arms, so I thought they were going to have some sort of competitive arm-off. Nope. Hopes were dashed. What they had to do is make a salad in 10 minutes. That is the MOST DIFFICULT THING EVER, people!!! They also had to..make their own salad dressing! WTF?? It was easier to send men to the Moon than it is to make salad dressing!!!! One arm-chick did a salad with salmon on top. The other arm chick-made a salad with full pieces of romaine and crap on them so you could make lettuce wraps. One of them won….I am not sure which because they were interchangeable, arms-wise, and I was still having some post-traumatic stress effects from seeing people eat an anchovy cannolli.

· At least they are playing for charity….their careers. Haha! Obvious joke! Thank you everyone, I am here every day except Thursday. Drive safely!

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