Celebrity Cook Off: episode numbeEAAUUGHGH!!‏

Hi all,

Cheddar the cat here.

My human was supposed to write this recap but all she has been doing this morning is running around the house yelling “PATSPATSPATS! EAUUGHHOOOIIEEEEEE! GRONK!!! PATS!!! BLERGH! PUUUUUUUUUUUUNT!! HAHAHA!!” Weird, huh? I think she is worked up over a sports event on TV. My brother and I bat a paper ball around all the time and she does not get worked up about that so I am not sure what the deal is with televised sports rather than watching actual cats hurl themselves at each other and run way harder than the TV humans did. Eh. I did not want to watch CCO anyway…I was trying to recover from having to watch Snow Monster on SyFy on Saturday. It was not even a CGI monster…it was a guy in a mangy white fur suit! I think Snow Monster needed to go to the pet groomer to get a nice wash and maybe a trim. Heheh, it would have been awesome if the movie was about how Snow Monster got captured and taken to a groomer who made him look like a poodle. THAT is a movie I would watch. It would be almost as good as watching bird videos on the computer….

Anymew, on to CCO. Is it animal cruelty that I had to watch this show? Yes.

We open with Joey Fatone feeling sad that another ‘celebrity’ was eliminated. My human loves Joey Fatone. Why? Does he have a lot of pets at home? Because if he does, then that would make him awesome. Unless he had, like 300 cats, then he would be on Animal Hoarders and not CCO. My human has lots of cats. This makes Daisy, the mean old lady cat in our house, cranky. She hisses at me a lot some days. Who knows why, since I am so darn cute. A mystery. Although not as mysterious as Coolio’s shirt (AWESOME segueway, no?). It is a t-shirt which has one sleeve cut off…for no reason. This baffles me, so I will lick my paw furiously to alleviate my stress.. (LICK LICK LICK).

Ah, better now.

So the challenge this week is to run a lunch truck. How hard can that be? Just drive a truck to the grocery store, buy lots of cat food, open the can of Fancy Feast and plop it in the bowl. What’s that? The truck is for human food and not cat food? Oh. My bad. Now I see the issue here because even with opposable thumbs, these people cannot cook. They have to cook THREE items! Panic ensues. Really, I did not think humans could count that high. Hahaha! Cat joke! I kill me. One item has to be on a stick (maybe a tasty mouse?), one item in a bun and the third item in a wrap. Coolio seems abnormally happy about this and does what he describes as his “Michael Jackson dance” which looks sort of like the time I got stuck in a shopping bag handle and leaped around until my human rescued me. She thought it was funny. I did not. Whose with me on this, people? Yep, NOT funny. Now I have to do another emergency paw lick to ease the pain of that terrifying memory. (liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeck).

One scene shows a contemplative LPD with the wind rustling through his feathered hair. I am transfixed. How many times a day does he have to lick that to keep it clean? Probably a lot.

Coolio and Joey are paired off. Coolio says he wants to make egg rolls which Joey says it TOO MUCH to do! How is this a stick, bun or wrap you may ask yourself? Well, just don’t ask yourself that. LDP, Taylor and Olympics chick are in another truck. RacheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeePATSaal tells them to make sloppy joes and suggests they add tequila, bourbon or “whatever” into the sauce. I strongly recommend the whatever. Olympic chick wants to make a veggie wrap. The rest of the team is horrified because it is ‘healthy crap’ and Taylor points out that they are in New York where people only want a sausage sandwich at a lunch truck. Huh? So they decide to make a sausage wrap which Olympic chick says she will make healthy (which she does later in the show by putting cheese on it). RacheeOMGaal tells her team to ‘take it to the streets’! That is good because every street in NY has a Duane Reade drug store on it so it will be easier for the customers of the lunch truck to find a convenient source for Rolaids.

While the teams are picking out their supplies for the lunch trucks, Joey and Coolio decide to psych out LDP by standing next to him and dancing the Robot. Seriously humans….I am confused. What is wrong with you?!?? Why do you do such strange things?????

Coolio is putting cheese in his egg rolls. Eew. I woud much rather eat cardboard, which I actually am these days. My human has a box for us to sit in but the corners of it are quite yummy so I am eating them. Deeelicious!! We then watch a rather lengthy part of the show where the ‘celebs’ (BTW, who are these celebs? I thought there would be well known stars like Garfield or that dog from The Artist on the show, but it is just silly humans. L ) run around and use cooking terms like “turkey”, “cook”, and “the bomb”. Then customers show up….and by customers I am guessing these are humans who were paid to eat at these trucks and signed a detailed release form to indemnify the show against loss of intestines. Hey, I used the word ‘indemnify’! I will now nap for several hours because using big words is EXHAUSTING.

Ahhh…back now. We are treated to a montage of people tasting the ‘food’. Not as good as the montages that were on Baywatch though. My human stopped running around the house yelling SUPER BOWL SUPER BOWL (what is that...is it a large bowl full of kibble? I would like that.) long enough to point out that there is a tag hanging out of the back of Taylor’s top. Is this CCO or Fashion Police (LUV you, Joan)? Now my human has confused me. Am I supposed to comment on how Joey’s head band makes him look even more dreamy (my human typed that, NOT me) or that LDP’s hat makes the side feathers on his hair stick out at an odd angle? Who knows. Cold Miser just commented on how he ate raw meat from one truck. After all the crap he ate on that unhealthy diner show, how would he even know at this point? Although raw mouse meat sounds sort of good to me…..

Joey uses a megaphone to get more hapless people over to their truck. I need to get a megaphone…imagine using that to meow in my human’s face at 2 am.!! That would be sooo much fun (Lisa: You will NOT do that….I am taking away your credit card now!!!). Humans are mean. Racheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeICANTSTOPeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeal and Cold Miser like Joey’s bacon wrapped shrimp on a stick and they discuss how DIFFICULT it is to make that. Really? You know what is difficult??? Staying awake for more than 2 hours a day. THAT is difficult. No cat can do it.

And the winning team is JOEY and Coolio! Coolio’s egg roll with cheese was, the Cold Miser said, “the bomb dish of the event”. New York people, bow your heads in shame. I was going to suggest a punishment, but the permanent gastric damage you suffered is probably bad enough. Cold Miser keeps using the word ‘bomb’. I often use the word ‘bum’ because I lick mine a lot. Sorry….Too much info?

The two people going to the elimination round are Taylor and Olympic chick. They have to make an amuse bouche (which is human speak for ‘funny dog’ …oops, sorry that is amuse pooch). Taylor is confused because she is a moron. Olympic chick put cheese into a premade tart shell and slapped a fig on top. It is funny watching Cold Miser put a tiny piece of food into his giant head. Taylor put a piece of fig and some ham onto a piece of bread. Olympic chick is eliminated. Oh, who cares. Next week’s challenge they are told will be DIFFICULT. Maybe they will be forced to cook something edible.

Well, I am signing off now. I have to go stare intently at a random spot on the wall for a while. This makes my human get stressed and she looks for a bug or leak that is NOT there. HAHA! FUN! It is only a small amount of the payback I am issuing for her making me watch this show. If I have to watch it again I will be MAD.

Sincerely,

CHEDDAR

Celebrity Cook Off episode 3: RUN AWAY!!!!

Friends,

This week I will be making an important decision…whether or not to switch the designation of My Favorite Wal-Mart. Many hours of contemplative thought and pacing nervously have gone into this decision. However, all of my contemplative thoughts revolved around Mr. John Hamm, so I have still not chosen my primary Wal-Martian site. Stay tuned.

Now on to important business: CCO. Oh sure the football playoffs were this weekend (PATSPATSPATS!) and the Golden Globes (tragically Hamm-free but looking at the fashions is my favorite sport…) but the most IMPORTANT Teee Veee event was CCO. Cause what is more fun…evaluating the way Charlize Theron looked (OMG, fierce) or what sort of fashionable glasses the Cold Miser is wearing on the back of his head. Remember the episode of Angel where these demons put an eye in the back of Cordelias’s head? It’s pretty obvious that is why the Cold Miser wears glasses on the back of his head. Cold Miser is demon-spawn!!! Well, duh.

Where was I?...oh, episode 3.

So every episode starts with the ‘celebs’ sitting in some hotel suite talking about HOW HARD this ‘competition ‘ is. For this episode, the guys are sitting around talking about HOW HARD the competition is…but the most awesome part is that we see that Coolio and Joey Fatone were playing tic-tac-toe with a set of metal Xs and Os. This may be the greatest thing I have ever seen. Suck it Grand Canyon, I now think of you and go “meh” because I have seen Joey Fatone and Coolio playing t-t-t. Since I know you all now want to get a board like this so you can be just like Coolio and JF, here is one:

You’re welcome.

The judges for this episode are from the Food Network show Chopped. Poor Marcus Samuelsson...he looked embarrassed to be there. His restaurant in NY must be doing very badly for him to be doing this show. Go patronize his restaurant people! Don’t make me get Sarah McLachlan to do a sad commercial about him!!

The celebs are cooking on-on-one against each other sort of like an episode of Chopped. First up Coolio and Lou Diamond Philips who have to cook fried chicken. LDP brags to Racheeeeiiioooouuuaal Ray about how he grew up eating collard greens (really!?!) so he said “My greens are good”. I am going to use this phrase at work as much as possible. Sample conversation:

Boss: Is that set of PowerPoint slides ready to go?

Me: My greens are good.

And then watch my career take off!! Success here I come! Whee!

LDP has some crazy feathered hair, you guys. I give it 8 Farrah Fawcetts out of 10. LDP brags he is doing an egg-wash when breading the chicken, which, he points out, “a lot of people don’t do”. Sigh. A lot of people DO THAT, LDP…what they don’t do is excessively feather their hair. The Chopped judges taste the fried chicken and one judge says LDP’s chicken “Delivers on the promise of what fried chicken is”. What is that promise? I have never hard fried chicken make a promise and frankly would be more than slightly alarmed if it did so. Hmmm…wasn’t there a Nicholas Sparks novel called “The Promise of Fried Chicken”? Maybe it is available on Kindle.

The next cook-off is Taylor Dayne and Joey Fatone (JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOEY) making spaghetti. Right now you are reeling over how difficult this challenge is, aren’t you? I thought so. Joey starts dancing in the kitchen. Why? Because he is awesome. DON’T DISAGREE WITH ME, PEOPLE! He is awesome. Racheaoogahal tells Taylor to use a thicker pasta such as ‘bugatoni’. Is it bug shaped pasta? Is it pasta that bugs you by saying ‘eat me now, eat me now” and you go “ALL RIGHT ALREADY!”? Not sure. She said it again and it sounded like she said ‘pookatini’ which everyone knows is the pasta that mischievous spirits eat. Taylor finally finds the boogatini (?) and it is spaghetti that is hollow (bucatini). Mystery solved without the help of Scooby and those meddling kids.

Finally, Cheech and Olympic chick have to make steak. Olympic chick says she has never made a steak on the stove-top before. Huh? I now hypothesize she has never made toast using a toaster, microwave popcorn using a microwave, or a Viking battle-ax using the finest forged steel tempered over a fire stoked by the blood and bones of her enemies. These are pretty basic tasks that everyone knows how to do. Olympic chick sets the stove on fire (hey maybe she DOES know how to make a battle-axe…) and everyone CRACKS UP laughing. Nothing funnier than fire! HAHAHAHAHAAAA!! Now I cannot get that song by The Crazy World of Arthur Brown out of my head. Thanks, Olympic Chick.

Enjoy:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z61tlxcqaVE&feature=related

Olympic Chick makes Bloody Mary flavored butter to go on her steak because it reminds her of her father…who I guess was Foster Brooks (young people, look it up). And, blechhhch.

The three losing ‘chefs’ that have to do an elimination round are Cheech, LDP and my beloved Joey. The challenge is to make a grilled cheese sandwich. (not kidding here). LDP and Cheech try to be fancy and Joey makes one using white bread and American cheese. He put a happy face on top of the sandwich using tomato slices for eyes and a pickle slice or a mouth (again, not kidding here). I heart you, Joey. A man of the people. LDP chose a hard cheese that did not melt. He is ANGRY at himself. I think he is asking too much out of life…if you are blessed with feather-licious hair, asking also for the ability to melt cheese is just plain greedy. Cold Miser and Racheeeoheynowael taste the sammiches and announce Joey’s is their favorite! He is so surprised he falls to the floor. OH NO! Don’t fracture anything Joey! I hope he is taking Fosamax©!!! The judges likes his sammich because he was able to melt cheese (really, they actually said that). Cheech is on the bottom and he is eliminated. LDP is STRESSED he was so close to being eliminated and vows to cook with both his heart and his head. I recommend using hands and arms, too, but that’s just me…..

Celebrity Cook Off - Episode 2: Cannolis of DEATH

There were so many tid bits of wonder and joy, I feel that they need to be listed in bullet points so you can work your way through them and savor each one and to allow time after each one for you to say to yourself “there is NO way that happened”. Oh yes, friends. It did.

• · Lou Diamond Phillips is now consistently being called LDP. Sort of like the acronym WTF only much more cool. Use it in your conversations! Amaze coworkers with your grasp of modern lingo (BTW (see..Hahaha I can use the kids’ lingo too!), if you get the Game Show Network they are rerunning the 1980s? show Lingo hosted by Chuck Woolery. His feathered hair and brick-like jaw are inspiring and make me want to be a better person). LDP right away says the competition is ‘off the hook’. He is groovy!

• · The Cold Miser’s beard is two different colors and has a weird shape. My theory is that it morphs over time into the shape of different symbols and is therefore the conduit that ancient Mayans are using to speak to us. What are they saying? “Our calendar, put together by Q’uetzotoczol’lloztz, is off the hook!” It’s the only way to explain a beard that is that horrifying. …and I eagerly await the next message from our Mayan friends.

• · The challenge for this episode is that they are making..sorry I mean “making” desserts. LDP says it is the weakness in his ‘culinary arsenal’. No jokes here…no way I can add to the strangeness of that statement.

• · So the desserts have to include a savory element. Team Cold Miser gets horse radish and Team Racheaeeaaeaeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeal gets anchovies. So both teams decide to use the savory to make…cannolis. Cold Miser tells them to make the filling with wasabi, goat cheese and mascarpone.

o OK, so I was ready for the show this time and had gone to the local wholesale club to purchase a big bucket of Tums (bucket of Tums in French is bouche de non poup ). But after hearing the above, I had to consume all of them at once. It did not help my extreme gastric distress from the thought of those cannollis, but on the plus side, I have now consumed my recommended calcium intake for the next 2,495.88 days. I defy you, hip fractures!! Ha!

• · I love you Joey Fatone. It just needed to be said.

• · The segment where they ‘cook’ the desserts was pretty dull. Just a lot of people running around and yelling about how they do not know what they are doing. Thank you Doctors Obvious. What was awesome was the background overly-dramatic music. It sounded like the music from every action sequence in your Chuck Norris or Stephen Seagal movies. Yes, I have not seen an action movie since 1981.

• · The desserts were judged by recent culinary school graduates. Those poor b*stards. They spent all that money to learn how to be a chef but they will not get a cooking show unless they can be overly perky, unskilled and have mysterious hair. The fact that they are now skilled precludes them from being on the Food Network.

• · As they were showing the desserts and those poor judges were eating them, one of my cats ran out of the room and barfed. A wise feline.

• · The teams tied (presumably because all the desserts were equally repulsive) so the team Captains had to do a cook-off. The captains were the Miss USA chick and the Olympics chick. Both have skinny ropey arms, so I thought they were going to have some sort of competitive arm-off. Nope. Hopes were dashed. What they had to do is make a salad in 10 minutes. That is the MOST DIFFICULT THING EVER, people!!! They also had to..make their own salad dressing! WTF?? It was easier to send men to the Moon than it is to make salad dressing!!!! One arm-chick did a salad with salmon on top. The other arm chick-made a salad with full pieces of romaine and crap on them so you could make lettuce wraps. One of them won….I am not sure which because they were interchangeable, arms-wise, and I was still having some post-traumatic stress effects from seeing people eat an anchovy cannolli.

· At least they are playing for charity….their careers. Haha! Obvious joke! Thank you everyone, I am here every day except Thursday. Drive safely!

Celebrity Cook Off - Episode 1: I am in love.

So given my recent life-decision to stop watching Dancing With the Stars (Nancy Grace?!?!??? Really???) I have been casting about for a new source upon which to shower my love. Oh sure, I could try for more human contact and be social, but why wouldn’t want to spend my time on a Saturday night with my 5 cats instead? I see you agree with me.

Imagine my joy when I discovered Celebrity Cook-off on the Food Network, with Rachaeeaeaeaeaeaeieieiol Ray and Guy Fieri (who has the same hair as the Cold Miser, so from now on that is what I will call him. Because otherwise I have to go through a mental algorithm of white-haired guys [Edgar Winter, Gandalf when he was Gandalf the White] and then stratify by spike-hair (this Guy guy and Spike from Buffy) versus non-spike. This takes TIME, people! So just assuming all guys with pale spiky hair are the Cold Miser makes life easier. And I am all about making life easier which is why I am teaching my cats how to vacuum the house. So far, no success.

Where was I again? Oh, yes, Celebrity Cook Off. CCO. You would think a ‘celebrity’ show has people you do not know. OH NO my friends. Not this one. Oh. No. This one has…JOEY FATONE! JJOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYY!!!! And Miss America (or, more accurately, Miss Spindly Arms USA), some Olympics chick, Taylor Dayne (who claims she had 17 hits. I do not remember most of her songs so I am assuming she was referring to ‘hits’ like when you play Battleship), Cheech Marin, Lou Diamond Philips (LDP, for those of us who are ‘hip’ or in my case have osteoporotic hips), some boy band guy I never heard of, Coolio and some other people.

So let’s start the issues with the first show, which was last Sunday. Since it is on on Sundays as is football, I plan to tailgate the next show. With my cats. Hahaha! Nothing sad about that!

Coolio thought he would do well because he has written cook books!!! (really) But the person eliminated was the random boy band guy. He ‘made’ (I use that term VERY loosely) macaroni salad with ranch dressing and Tabasco sauce to have it be a buffalo style macaroni salad. Now I shall pause so you can take care of whatever gastrointestinal distress you are now experiencing just thinking about that. Trust me, the visual was even worse. Gack.

LDP won (I think….I am still trying to recover from even typing out the words to describe that macaroni salad) for BOILING ribs and putting barbecue sauce on them. Yes, my friends he called them ‘turbo ribs’ and for some reason kept talking with a Spanish accent. The ‘celebrities’ also had to entertain the guests at the picnic event they were cooking their crap for. They were split into two teams, one was with Racheeaaaeeaaaeaeaeael Ray, the other team was with the Cold Miser. So the Cold Miser’s team decided to have a piñata as their entertainment for the event. Again, I will have to pause here….this time to ponder the fact that a group of adults planned on a piñata as entertainment at an event…attended by adults. But this was deemed a good idea because Cold Miser said (and I am not making this up) “Everybody rocks the piñata!!!” and then he exploded. Haha! OK, so the last part was not true but it would have been awesome if he exploded into a mass of bones and white spiky hair. Awesome.

I love this show.